I'm actively dating..

I'm writing this in English you guys, cause I'm kiiiinda bitter and pissed (and when I'm mad I can't seem to find the right words in norwegian, I start to stutter and I don't have time for that when I'm mad! LIke now!!! that amuses my mum btw. oh yeah Mum: stop teasing me when I'm heated up. just let me rant on and I'll be done in NO TIME!!) - I know anger doesn't suit me, so after this post I've put it behind me and I'm all smiles again, BUT for now....

Let me get this off my soon to be saggy chest! (I'm getting silicone by that time cause my breasts are the greatest and I love them and I can't live without them!! so there)

I'm 24, I thought I was having fun being single, but lately things have fallen apart around me. I found my self in a weird place work wise. I don't know where I wanna be or if I even wanna do what I do anymore. Not sure I like the business anymore and then one of my dearest people in my life dies on boxing day. I don't know how to grieve and I can't really understand that I can't talk to her anymore. I'm wearing her wedding ring and feeling her with me, but then again I might just be cooko in my head!

I'm a sad country song and 'drinking my pain away' in a small hillbilly town. I have my family around me but all we ever talk about for the last weeks are my gran and ofcourse we should but I really really really miss her and I don't know how to cope with it all. so I sleep all day and stay up all night drinking and listening to sad songs and thinking of all the blissful times with her. I could confide in her with anything! she was my rock. and now I've lost my rock.
I've totally lost myself and my friends are miiiiles away in the big cities. I tried to go back there but I felt lost and alone, so now I'm back in hillbillyland where you get beat up every time you go out because someone always have something to 'say' to you. I need freaking bodyguards in my own hometown when I go out with my girlfriends here, but let's face it.. they can't really come with me everytime I need to take a piss, now can they??

So I go to a bigger city to visit some friends. I have a good time and then it all goes black. for several days!  I don't even know if I've been raped during these days. which is the worst feeling ever!!
My mum and dad got me on the phone and came and got me and now I have to build up my trust with them, all over again. In a time where I don't have the strength to even bother.

back to the subject;  before all this I met a guy I actually thought I could confide in ( I hardly trust anyone!!!!) but there was just something about this guy, a feeling I got and I felt he got me, what I was about, but he didn't take my crap. which made me respect him even more.

and all I want from him is to be in his arms and have him tell me everything will be allright, but I can't. and we hardly ever talk now. and I understand that too. I loved it when we talked a lot and I've tried to be very supportive and I know we're not a thing or anything but he did something to me, that felt good. he's a good man he makes me calm down even though that's not his 'job'. I'm tired of playing games and so I've told him, but I'm probably too honest but I don't care. I'd rather be as honest as hell and THEN he can judge me.. for me.. not for some game I'm playing to 'get him' or whatever.
what pisses me off is that he's actively dating. well, I'm not! and it makes me sad that he is. ofcourse he's allowed to date anyone he wants, but it just makes me sad. I just wanted to trust someone and be in his arms again.

Am I asking for too much? some honesty? a big hug after all that's happened. a dropped line my way saying "how are you dear?"

conclusion: I'll never understand men..  and I'm tired of being EMO now and I soooo wanna trust someone. I don't even know what friends I can trust. why must it all be so hard? and all at the same time??

They say you're always looking for a job, a boyfriend or an appartment. So let's say you have 2 out of 3, and they're fabulous! Why do we let the one thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we do have?
Why does one minus a plus one feel like it adds up to zero?

So I'm going to oslo tomorrow to see my dearest friends and later next week I'm going to put my ass (and my girlfriend's) on a bloody plane for 6 hours down to Dubai and let the sun lick away all my frustration for about a week 'cause I really need it. I THINK I need a break from it all!

Hei, my condolences to you and your family. Losing a family member is not easy and some people cope better than others. It takes time, so don't feel like you have to rush it and that is why you have your family to console you. You are a normal 20 year old who likes to parties and have a good time, I still have a few years left of my 20's lol I still party when I can. Its normal to be lost and not know what you want out of life at some point in your life. Some may know what they want to be or do at an early age. Some take time, kinda have to try everything before you find something worthwhile or you are passionate about. I know for a fact that you don't want to live in a small town, because everyone moves to live in BIG cities who wouldn't want to? I have friends in KRS that moved to Oslo(some stayed in KRS)and luckily I was able to live in NYC until we moved to the urban area of New Jersey. And a year and a half ago I went back after 15 years, and boy did a lot of things change. I wouldn't mind living there but I am used to a BIG city, and it does get boring sometimes if you don't keep yourself busy. As for the guy situation, we are all different and we can't read women's minds unless you are a psychic. If that was the case I am pretty sure there won't be any misunderstanding vice versa, and you would happy all the time. As you know there are confusion on both ends, so the best way to is to talk it out. Lucky you, who gets to bask in the sand and warm weather, while we all freeze. I hope you have a good time and get the needed charge for you batteries. I will have to wait till summer before I go to LA for the first time and visit a few friends see what its all about I hear the weather there all year is warm and comfy. If that is the case I might be moving out there, change of scene and a fresh start. Hope you have fun and vi snakkes!

Skrevet av: MarLon

26.jan.2010 01:57


Skrevet av: rwr@rwr.no

03.mar.2010 09:41